Keep Me Teachable....

Sometimes life is just a bummer. There's no getting around it. I heard a person say one time: "Life can suck, but Jesus is real." I agree. There are points in time where situations have come my way that just downright sucked. I have many times stuffed my sadness, confusion, hurt, regret, and anger deep inside my soul and put on a happy face because that is what is accepted and acceptable in Christian social circles. Unfortunately, this has caused a dark, deep, hidden chasm in the depths of me that is sometimes unbearable. It's a scary place in there.

I am crying out for genuineness, an authenticity in people that cannot be fabricated. I want the Fathers and Mothers of my day to show me how to navigate through despair, not how to mask over it with a plastic demeanor and hope that somehow the pain might disappear. Because honestly, I have tried shoving it away, sweeping it under a rug, but it certainly doesn't disappear. It just pops up in other places of my life, manifesting itself as manipulation, and despair and total emotional decay. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way among my generation. Most (if not all) of the young women I come in contact with are dealing with the frustration of not understanding how to deal with life as a whole. We don't understand committment, yet the fibre of our being cries out for it. We don't understand unconditional love so we will do unimaginable things to fill the black emptiness of our soul that should be filled with freedom and joy and peace about ourselves.

But the incredible Papa I serve has been ever-so faithful to me. He has come to me and has been speaking to me time and time again. He has deposited in me understanding and wisdom to know that I cannot be fake. I cannot put on a masquerade for all to see and not be found out. That the true joy that he has for me is found in facing my deepest emotional struggles head on. He has promised me that he will never leave me. And he hasn't. He is fulfilling in me what I have searched for in numerous places. He is re-inserting into me a faith in myself that I long ago abandoned in disbelief. I never imagined that I could come to the place I am today: a woman who is tasting freedom and joy and peace and rest and is hungry for more! A woman who is learning to embrace fully the fact that I am completely imperfect! God will come to me as I am open and willing to respond to him. Response is what has propelled men and women of God on for centuries and centuries. So, Jesus, come to my heart as I know you always will as I remain teachable, moldable, and flexible before you!