Me

I have been beating myself up. Mentally, I have devalued myself so much that I can hardly recognize the real me. The me that God created. This has not been happening for a short time, but for years. Mostly I listen to the deceptive voice of my culture; my generation. The voice has told me that I must be a model in order to be loved; to be of any value at all. The voice has told me that I must have skinny calves (making me loathe my large ones), tan skin (making my white, almost translucent skin appear ugly), big boobs (causing me to hate my small chest), and expensive clothing (proving my Walmart buys to appear as rags). This voice is highly influential upon my life. So influential, in fact, that after I have had a baby, (and now two babies), I live in shame of my "muffin top" stomach, my purple stretch marks, my "thunder thighs," and my almost love handles. I look at pictures of myself on my honeymoon (at my skinniest, the thinnest I have ever been) and I would give anything to go back there. To me, anything less than that is unacceptable. I simply cannot be at the weight I am at and be loved, accepted, or have any fun, let alone look beautiful. What's worse is that the voice of the culture reached way back to that skinny time too. When I was at that weight, and my body was looking the way it did then (much better than I consider it to now) I still hated my large calves, white skin, mosquito-bite boobs, and cheap clothing. I still was embarrased over never-completely-flat stomach. I have to ask myself this question: When will I ever love my body? Because I obviously have not loved it at its fattest or at its skinniest point. When will I love who I am right now? Because I did not love who I was then and I do completely love who I am now.

Something's gotta give.

Today I am going to choose to love myself. I am going to appreciate my body for the weight it is at. I am going to go against the grain of the culture and take joy in my curviness and even the extra weight I have put on during my pregnancy with Sadie. I am not going to rush myself to lose weight. I will put my mind at ease about every bite that enters my mouth. I will stop myself from hating me.

I am going to rejoice in the fact that my body is so faithful to me and to its Creator. My body has carried two very healthy babies to full term and has birthed both of them without drugs. My body has kept me from major disease for 25 years now. My body has upheld me through major emotional loss and healing. My body has allowed me to hold my precious daughters, to feed them, to play with them, to cuddle with them.










































Today I love me :)