Weighty Issues

The following will serve as a personal journal entry of sorts about a very personal journey that I have been walking for quite awhile now.  It isn't the most lighthearted of posts, but is a glimpse of what is currently going on in the deepest parts of me.  Feel free not to read if it is uncomfortable for you.

I never really had severe issues with my weight until I became a mother.  And, even then, it has gotten worse the more kids I have had.  When I had only Lily, I was able to lose all the weight I had gained with her while being pregnant within nine months of having her.  I was focused, I was determined, and I had only one child who was such an easy baby. 

When I had Sadie, I had less to lose because I had gained less with her pregnancy.  With Sadie having issues with colic and food allergies, I was exhausted most of the time and found that my determination slowly dwindled away to nothing.  I felt I couldn't get a hold of the desire to work out and eat right consistently, the winning combination that I knew I needed to succeed. 

As time passed and the weight was still around, I got more and more discouraged and lost hope and belief in myself that I could actually lose any poundage at all.  Then I got pregnant again, unexpectedly, with Olivia.  What a bummer way to start out a new pregnancy-25 pounds overweight.

For me, it was so easy to defer my issues until a later time while I was pregnant, because I knew that no matter what, I needed to gain weight with the pregnancy.  So, I let myself eat what I wanted, lots of sugar and large portions included.  I gained too much weight, and, believe me, the midwives that I saw never failed to mention it, at every visit.  That, to me, was just adding insult to injury, and it made me angry because of all people, I am the one who knows that I have an issue, I don't need to be reminded of it by ten different midwives that I have never met each time I come in for an appointment!

Now, I am done with the pregnancy, and I have all the leftover weight to show for it :-)  Joy.  AND, not to mention the fact that I work in a place with many different people of many different cultures, many who do not find it insulting to ask why my stomach is still around or remind me that I was huge during my pregnancy (exact wording)...

Thank God for God!  I am trudging through the crap load of lies that have filled my mind and am trying to replace them, slowly, with truth.  I am at a place of understanding that the weight is not the issue.

It is the fact that I have actually let the inner me morph into someone that I hate.  Someone who doesn't fight through tough situations and find my strength, hope, and peace in Jesus, but in a package of Oreos or a Milky Way bar. 

Ironically, hating myself leads to more hating of myself and beating myself up.  Which leads me to eating more of the crap I don't want to eat and allowing the person I don't like to remain around a little longer.

The Lord has spoken to me a few key things and I am chewing on them and trying to respond and act them out, to implement them into my life.  They are for a later post, but let's just say He is still faithful.

It is truly a long road and a drawn out process, but I am praying and putting my faith in Father God once again that He is going to see me through, all the way through it. 

In the mean time, I am engaging my mind earnestly in the fact that He is my fulfillment, and that my issue is not that I'm overweight, but that I need greater revelation and my mind needs to be changed concerning who to turn to when I'm having a hard time, am tired, lonely, sad, bored, etc.