The Tough Questions a.k.a. Who I am, What I Want, and Why I Really Want It

Why am I overweight?

There are so many different reasons that I reach out to eat more and more. I want to address the reasons in this season of life that I believe are causing me to overeat (bearing in mind that I know I am an emotional eater):

1. I tend to eat a lot at night. That is when I will consume most of the sweets that I do. I believe that there are two reasons for this. The first is that I am usually super tired. I am not a night person, and I am running around after two very small children all day and it flat-out wears me out. The second is that I feel a lot of stress during the day when I am taking care of my girls. Usually I feel that I am rewarding myself by allowing myself to eat a "treat" after they go to bed. Unfortunately, instead of eating one portion of a treat, I eat 4 or 5 portions, and instead of choosing a healthy "treat", I choose what I have allowed myself to become addicted to: sugar. Especially ice cream, cake, chocolate, etc. I love to "zone out" while eating my dessert, and that is also where the problem lies.

2. I find that I don't tend to have a lot of quiet and alone time at all. When I do, I realize that I have to come face to face with the reality that I am not being the person I want to be. That person enjoys quiet time, relaxing and being by themselves, loves Jesus and loves to spend time with him, loves to be in nature, take walks, read books, exercise, rest and enjoy life. I am not doing those things on a regular basis right now, and when I am still and quiet at heart I can't deny that. I want to eat to stuff away the dissatisfaction that I am feeling over not getting to do the things I love that are "me". Ironically, these are the very activities that would probably bring me to the ability to have more quiet in my soul.

3. Boredom leads me to eat.

4. Right now I am overeating because I am facing a major life transition and also I have just come out of a very emotionally overwhelming season. When Sadie wasn't sleeping through the night, I was living off of fumes every single day. All the energy I had was put toward surviving the day and having a good attitude about it. I had none left over to think about how to eat right and change my life. I went through a bout of depression because of the lack of control I felt over my life situation and I feel that I am just coming out of that now that she has started sleeping through the night and I have started to catch up on my physical rest. Also, we are coming upon a major life-change right now too. We are getting ready to move to a new city and join YWAM there. We are uprooting our current reality and transplanting to another reality. That in itself is emotionally exhausting without adding in the stress of packing and cleaning your house and meeting with many different people face-to-face to ask for financial support. All that is familiar is about to go away. It's crazy.

5. I am also overwhelmed at the amount of weight that I want to lose. The funny thing is that I have lost so much more weight than this before with success, but this time it seems like a feat that I can't accomplish. It seems like dealing with the overall emotional eating aspect of myself is a monumental task; one that feels daunting. So I eat to stuff that away too. It is called baby steps, I know, but I just can't seem to get there. I think just writing this stuff down is a first step though :)

6. There is another reason that I believe that I am overweight. I come back again and again to this one thing. I don't love my body. I didn't love it when I was at my skinniest, and I didn't love it when I was at my fattest. Right now I am in-between and I still don't love it. I am learning to love the "me" that is inside this body, but I really need to start loving my physical appearance, thunder thighs and flabby belly and all. I need to start saying thank you to my body for carrying two precious babies to full term and birthing them naturally and without drugs. I need to start saying thank you to my body for nursing those two babies, for holding them, rocking them, carrying them from place to place. I need to say thank you to my body for supporting me completely on this journey that I have endeavored on called "life". This journey that I am still so new in. My body has been so healthy and I am so thankful for that. I want to be grateful. Grateful everyday for all that my body has enabled me to do. It truly is incredible.

7. I am a very social person. I love being at social events with others, and I don't like missing out on any fun. I find that if I am going to a restaurant, I really want to eat food, even if I am not hungry or even if I just ate. This is in order that I might actually "participate" in the fun of eating out with my friends/family. Or, I simply really LOVE the taste of the food that I am eating and don't have the self control to stop, so I end up overeating.

*If you have made it to the end of this post, way to go! It was a long one. Thanks for bearing with me in diving deeper into my weight issues. I am seeking to be set free and to renew my mind to living the best life I can possibly live. One that includes a healthy body that is free of excess weight, full of energy, and a spirit full of joy and zest for life!*